Things that get said in our kitchen:

"Abortion cheese." I don't remember why.

I think communication is a really fascinating thing. For instance, even within my house, we have a plethora of methods of communication. Most prominently, our fridge, which is covered in magnetic letters, and those magnetic words you get for poetry or whatever - one of the 'romantic' sets.

The fridge has been used to express a number of sentiments - most notably, for some weeks, "c*nty romantic long gush" (please don't ask - you don't want to know). Recently, though, it became yet another arena for Benny and Darren's ongoing 'smelly' insult war.

This started with Benny writing "Darren smells, from Benny." The other night, I decided to spice things up a bit and swapped the names, so it said "Benny smells, from Darren." Then, a couple of days later it was pointed out that there was a considerable surplus of letters, so I changed it again, so it said "Benny smells like a gay, from Darren." Today, Benny finally discovered this, and changed it to "Darren smells like a wet gay, from Benny."

See? Communication is utterly fascinating.

Also, following a drunken discussion about words which are just funny with no context or explanation, I wrote 'flaps' in the steam on the bathroom mirror. This was instantly discovered and blamed on Ryan, who responded to my gleeful text informing him of these events with "Disgusting! I would at least have drawn a giant cock." Since then, the word 'minge' and more recently the word 'hairy' have been added above my original message. (Note: I do not condone these actions; I simply recount them. Please bear this in mind when deciding whether or not to dump/disown/excommunicate me.)

Also, the other day I withdrew £10 from a cash machine, and someone had written "Hello!" and drawn a little smily face on the note. Which I thought was really sweet. In fact I fully intend to start writing on all my notes - maybe one of them will come back to me, even!

Yes, I'm boring, I know.

Go away.

Halo memories

"Aha! Dr Turd, I presume."
[headshot]

I need to start having Halo DeathFests again. I miss the good old days.

Also, this may not have occurred to any of you, but the song 'Love Shack' is far, FAR more amusing when the word 'shack' is replaced with the word 'sack'. I'm just saying.

I'm sure there was a time when I wrote useful stuff in here.

Nah.

Belated birthday times

"Get the sleep out of your eye, it's gross."
"That's true friendship, that is, being able to say to someone in the middle of a nice restaurant, you look like shit, sort it out."

"Wonder how much wine the three of us will get through tonight?"
"Two."
"You drove! Shit. I guess that's just the two of us then."
"Honestly? That probably means we'll drink more."
"Heheh. Bring it on."

"Could we order some wine please?"
"Certainly, I'll get the wine list."
"No, don't worry, just get us a bottle of your cheapest Rose."
".... now THAT was classy."

"Wow, I look retarded!"
What exactly the fuck did you expect when you uttered the words "here, take a picture of me with the 'reserved' sign on my head!"?

Good times at the Amelia establishment

I have literally been trying to remember this incident all week, and I finally did it.

"Your face."
"Your mum's face."
"That was crap!"
"It's 3am, I thought it was pretty good, considering."
"Your mum's pretty good considering."

Fisher and Elliott's slagging matches... good times.

Mullets...

Business in the front, party in the back!

This quote makes the idea of a mullet quite tempting... just so I can get to say it, all the time. You know I would.

Well, actually, Dave will tell you how difficult it is to get me to cut my hair into anything even resembling a style - even a nice one - so maybe I wouldn't.

Ok stop worrying, I was joking, I'm not getting a mullet.

Sheesh.


"All I've had today... before this obviously... is some pasta."
"Wow. Why?"
"I don't know. I could have done without it though."
"Why?"
"Because then I would just have had wine and chocolate all day, and that would be pretty much brilliant, I think."

Putain.

"What, an unemployed prostitute?"
"You can't be an unemployed prostitute."
"Of course you can!"
"No, you can't. Prostitute is a job title. If you're a prostitute, you are employed. As a prostitute. You see?"
"Imagine writing that on your tax forms."
"Profession... prostitute. How much did you earn last year?"
"Well I dunno, frankly I was coked off me tits."
"Hahaha."

I love living with people. So much more fun than trying to have retarded conversations with yourself.

"I heard that when you get period pains, it's because like, your womb gets top heavy and kind of goes flop."
"What the fuck?"
"What? Isn't it called a womb? I didn't pay much attention in sex ed."
"Of course it's called a womb! Just the idea of it getting top heavy and going 'flop' was kind of amusing."
"Amusing how?"
"Amusing like 'haha.... that's actually really, really, genuinely gross' kind of amusing."
"Oh."

"Oh god, I just spent twenty pounds on shoes."
"I know. I just made you."
"Why?!"
"So you'd shut the hell up about how cute they are."

"Women. Can't live with 'em..."
"Tough shit, I signed that contract fair and square."
"Eat your chips."

It's nearly 11 o clock. If I were to go to bed right now, I would actually consider this an early night. How sad is that?

Ugh.