For anyone who's ever had a run-in with the IT department.

(Disclaimer: yes, I know some IT helpdesk staff really are incompetent or ignorant or rude. I am generalising. Get over it.)

I remember once last year hearing someone at work spouting off about the IT department. I earwigged in because having worked in IT, I am of the opinion that IT helpdesk workers are misunderstood, underestimated, downtrodden creatures, who really deserve someone to stand up for them.

The colleague in question was ranting because of a server problem.

"They had this message before you even got through, saying 'if you are calling about the server issues, please hang up now, we are aware of the problem and are dealing with it accordingly, thanks for your call' and I thought oh no, you're not fobbing me off like that. So I stayed on hold for seven whole bloody minutes and when I got through and told her what my problem was she said exactly the same! So I went off on one at her about how it was slowing everyone down and it really wasn't on. She starts going well it's not our fault, we're working on it, so I said I wanted to speak to her managed, but he was conveniently on a call. The whole thing is a complete sham."

Right. For anyone who's ever wondered why really competent IT helpdesk staff are a rarity, I'm going to let you in on a little secret:

It's because intelligent, hardworking people who know their shit about computers quite rightly see no reward in sitting there squandering their talents getting shouted and sworm at by ignorant cockbites like you.

I mean seriously. Listen to yourself next time you call the IT desk. Chances are, you immediately come across as thinking you know better than the analyst. Let's remember, shall we, that you are the one calling a complete stranger for advice on what is more often than not an incredibly simple IT problem. And another little secret for you, the more of an asshole you are, the less likely you are to get your problem fixed in a timely manner. And the more likely they are to find your picture on the intranet, or in a database where you thought it was safe, and laugh at it. And do you really, honestly, seriously think that they need another call about a server problem which is affecting literally thousands of people? They know there is a server problem. They know you cannot do any work. They know this isn't terribly convenient for you. They don't need to be reminded. It is all they have heard about all day. They have barely had time to pour their substandard coffee-machine-produced lukewarm piss down their necks, their office is either too hot or too cold, and their manager is in a REALLY bad mood.

Speaking of their manager, your analyst is not just trying to save herself the trouble of a complaint. He really is on the phone, to the server team, in fact, and has been for the last two hours. He's getting shitty with them because this problem is seriously screwing up his service level statistics, and his attitude is hardly hurrying proceedings along. There are seventy two calls waiting, and most of them get dropped because his desk is so understaffed and the other service centre is offline because it was evacuated due to unsubstantiated flood warnings. Oh, and while we're on the subject of the server team, they're the team who - funny enough - deal with servers. If the problem is anyone's fault, it is theirs. The way you talk to the analysts, you'd think they were sitting around, smoking, gazing disinterestedly at the servers they just smashed up with a couple of monkey wrenches and an office chair. This is not the case (much as they may be tempted to smash up the servers and leave you to deal with the chaos alone.) Your analysts is a go-between, a newsreel, a ticker-tape. Stop shooting the fucking messenger, you stupid fucking fuck.

In conclusion: YOU are the reason the IT helpdesk is often so unhelpful. The people who were really good at their jobs quit long ago, because:

1. You are a mouthy, self-important asshat, and
2. Because most of your problems, which seemed like the end of the world, could be fixed with a quick reboot, and this drives them to near-suicidal depression.

The people who remain are trying their best to mediate between you (the aforementioned mouthy, self-important asshat) and an uncooperative resolving team who are more concerned with the spelling mistakes in the many angry emails heading their way than the server issue.

So please, shut up, sit down, and know that next time your account is locked out - they did that on purpose. They giggle about it on their lunch break. Even their manager thinks it's funny.

Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again?