Oh my.

You know you're in for a good evening when you get home and your housemates are just about to watch some free-with-a-magazine type porn, involving "gothic lesbians and breast groping shenanigans in the kitchen".

"What is this? A party game?"
"Yeah. Pin the cock on the angel of vengeance."

"Foreplay is the distance from the door to the bed."

"Who would you rather have sex with; Chuck Norris, or Mr T?"

"I must say, there are a lot less shenanigans than I was led to expect."
"Dreadful."

"The fridge has spoken!"
"And the fridge apparently says... 'I heart midget vagine'. Nice."

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I was not physically able to make highly disturbing and inappropriate comments.

Things that get said in our kitchen:

"Abortion cheese." I don't remember why.

I think communication is a really fascinating thing. For instance, even within my house, we have a plethora of methods of communication. Most prominently, our fridge, which is covered in magnetic letters, and those magnetic words you get for poetry or whatever - one of the 'romantic' sets.

The fridge has been used to express a number of sentiments - most notably, for some weeks, "c*nty romantic long gush" (please don't ask - you don't want to know). Recently, though, it became yet another arena for Benny and Darren's ongoing 'smelly' insult war.

This started with Benny writing "Darren smells, from Benny." The other night, I decided to spice things up a bit and swapped the names, so it said "Benny smells, from Darren." Then, a couple of days later it was pointed out that there was a considerable surplus of letters, so I changed it again, so it said "Benny smells like a gay, from Darren." Today, Benny finally discovered this, and changed it to "Darren smells like a wet gay, from Benny."

See? Communication is utterly fascinating.

Also, following a drunken discussion about words which are just funny with no context or explanation, I wrote 'flaps' in the steam on the bathroom mirror. This was instantly discovered and blamed on Ryan, who responded to my gleeful text informing him of these events with "Disgusting! I would at least have drawn a giant cock." Since then, the word 'minge' and more recently the word 'hairy' have been added above my original message. (Note: I do not condone these actions; I simply recount them. Please bear this in mind when deciding whether or not to dump/disown/excommunicate me.)

Also, the other day I withdrew £10 from a cash machine, and someone had written "Hello!" and drawn a little smily face on the note. Which I thought was really sweet. In fact I fully intend to start writing on all my notes - maybe one of them will come back to me, even!

Yes, I'm boring, I know.

Go away.

Modern Feminism...

As defined by Dave, in one sentence, following news about new public breastfeeding laws:

"Ok, you can get your tits out in public, but we're still not paying you equally."

My boyfriend is the shiz.