12 April, 2007

Dear Marks & Spencers...

I would just like to say, I have eaten your food. On a number of occasions. It was quite nice; I found no fault with it.
But I would like to point out one small thing.


Terribly sorry to disappoint, but I have run some tests, and your 'not-just-food':

- does not give me telekinesis (which is superior to invisibility.)
- does not give me invisibility.
- does not, in fact, bestow upon me any superpowers, WHATSOEVER.
- does not increase my IQ.
- does not increase, or decrease, the size of any part of my anatomy.
- does not cause me to talk in a slutty voice like the woman who does your snobby, retarded voiceover. ("These are not just carrots... this is not just a cucumber..." Yeah, I fucking bet.)
- does not (disappointingly) cause spontaneous orgasm upon consumption.

In conclusion:

Food is not something that can be 'more than' what it is. (Apart from maybe that carrot that I carved into a tiki statue over a year ago which still lives, wrapped in clingfilm and cryogenically frozen, in my parents' freezer.) Food is something that you put in you, so you don't die. Please stop trying to 'sex it up', and accept that everybody, and I do mean everybody, is laughing at you, and shunning your expensive overblown wares in favour of Tescos own brand, which they pretty much pay you to eat in comparison. Even I, greatest Wogan-hater of all time, would rather eat food promoted by that posh-voiced fop-haired twat, than food promoted by your over-sexed Nigella wannabe voiceover bitch.

Thank you for your time.

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