05 October, 2007

And that is why I'm a ninja.

I love being half an hour late and nobody noticing. I feel like a ninja. On the other hand, it is kind of sad that nobody notices when I'm not there... but ninjas don't care about such things. They have no time for emotions. Their sole desire is revenge! I'm a very vengeful person. I seek revenge on the world for the following reasons:
  • Tracy Emin.
  • Terry Wogan.
  • (Just so you know, it was really, really tough deciding which order to list those two in.)
  • The fact that pubs don't have Dr Pepper on tap. WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT COKE?!
  • Weekdays.
  • Street preachers.
  • Hobos begging outside banks and next to ATMs. Yeah here's a crisp new fifty. I don't fucking think so.
  • The fact that only three series of Black books were made.
  • The menstrual cycle.
I could go on, but I won't, because I don't want to get a reputation for being a grumpy bitch. For the record, some things actually make me less grumpy. Seriously. It happens. For instance:
  • Other people's pain.
  • Waitresses dropping plates.
  • Setting fire to orphanages.
See? I'm so happy I could explode... and blow up a third world country.

Seriously though. I like kittens and stuff. I plan to amass an army of cats, and give them deeply, deeply awesome names. My favourites are Michael J. Caboose and Meowbloop. Oh, and if you don't know who Michael J. Caboose is, I either don't know you, don't like you, or am going to have to think very hard about why i do like you. And in case you were wondering, yes, I do only keep fish because I enjoy giving them stupid names. Don't waste your time worrying about my future children, I don't plan on having any.
But if I do, I am totally naming it Spiderpig. I wonder if that's copyright infringement?
Fuck it, I don't care.

I have noticed that the weirdest conversations do not take place in the pub, or in crack dens, or in mental hospitals; they take place in offices. Something about the office environment - I noticed today that the water in the cooler is from Nestle and suspect this is the culprit, but it could be print toner molecules in the atmosphere - drives people completely fucking nuts. Popular subjects include Kris Akabusi, giant spiders (possibly with wings) , and the classics such as "who would you rather" and "would you be offended if I said".
My theory is that, ironically, people have evolved this tendency to talk bollocks at the office in order to keep them sane. I think it's a pretty good theory. That brief discussion about who would make a better lover out of Mr T and Chuck Norris ("Well Mr T did that song about being nice to your mum, but Chuck has that reassuring smile... also Mr T is a big black man and I'm easily frightened") is a perfect antidote to workplace pedantics ("you didn't email Jacob when that client called!" "Jacob sits next to me, I waited for him to come back, and I told him to his face and watched as he called the guy back." "That's not how we do things around here! More bureaucracy, less human contact!") .
Other brilliant ways to relieve stress include leaving shitty messages for clients, mutilating plastic cups, going home for lunch and eating it in bed whilst watching House, and thinking about the funniest way to commit suicide (any way you like - but dressed like a clown).

You love my advice. You do. You REALLY DO.

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