Tonight, I met my one true love: THIS WEBSITE.
If you don't read even one quote from that website, I will find you, and kick your face off.
Our Find of the Day with this website is:
Employee #1: Why are you so late, man?
Employee #2: I got loaded last night and shit my pants on the way to work.
I'm not entirely sure, as a member of the female species, that things like this are supposed to reduce me to tears of laughter and those silent hiccupy laughs you get that make you feel like your brain is going to come out of your nose and you are going to die on the floor... but god damn it that's fucking funny.
And also, it made me think about some of the best office quotes I've ever come across in my long and distinguished (well, not all that long, really... and definitely not distinguished) office career.
Here are some of the best:
This hot chocolate is crunchy.
You are such a fuckbag.
Colleague 1: I'm off then too.
Colleague 2: Right, that fucking does it. I am going to DOMINATE the Christmas holiday.
Colleague 1: No fair, I need holiday at Christmas!
Colleague 2: Fuck off, you have three weeks holiday over festival season. You can have your Christmas early, bitch.
Whilst discussing someone's jumper:
Simon: What do you mean, 'no lemons'?!
Richard: NOEL EDMONDS, Simon.
Simon: Go go gadget arm! * throws yoghurt pot at nearby bin... misses. *
Me: That would not even have been funny if you'd got it in.
Whilst attempting to tell newbie what to do whilst his caller is on hold:
Gordon: Tell him to format his C drive.
* newbie takes caller off hold *
Me: Wow. How retarded are you?!
Karl: I'll be the pig, you'll be the horse. YOU know what I'm talking about.
Steve: Was that a threat?!
Me: That was the awesomes threat I have ever heard.
Threats based on iconic literature RULE.
At this point it should be noted that there is some kind of ruckus (what a brilliant word) going on outside my house which sounds like a mixture of babies crying, cats fighting over a dying giraffe (anyone here seen the South Park movie?) and a student party.
It worries me that it is entirely possible, in my neighbourhood, that it is in fact a mixture of all three. It also worries me that I can hear it from the bathroom, but not from my room; which indicates that it is coming from the direction of the house next door, which is inhabited not by babies, or squabbling cats and giraffes, or even by students, but by a sweet little old lady who came over to make sure we were ok after our house got robbed. I dread to think what is going on over there.
Speaking of the house getting robbed, I came home for lunch the other day and had the fright of my life when I had not even put my key in the lock and the front door swung open. I stood frozen on the doorstep for a couple of seconds thinking ok, you clearly forgot to deadlock the door before you went out. It wasn't actually open so hopefully it's ok this time. Which didn't actually make me feel any less like throwing up, but it was nice to know I was still in control of my brain.
Then I heard noises from inside my house.
Looking back on it, it astounds me that instead of running the fuck away like a sensible person, I advanced into the house. Perhaps it was the result of deep-seated anger left over from the first robbery; if someone had come back for more I was going to smash them so hard in the face with whatever came to hand (dismantled stripper pole? perfect) that their head would have resembled a raw beef joint.
Luckily, if a little anti-climatically, it turned out to be a double glazing man turning up unannounced to fit our second set of new back doors. Which was quite nice, in one way, but I really, REALLY wish the letting agency wouldn't just give people a key to our house and let them come round with no warning - especially because our contract states we need to be given 24 hour warning.
Still. We got new doors, and I didn't actually get raped or killed or have ANOTHER laptop stolen - and if I had, at least I would have been on the insurance this time.
While we're on the subject of getting raped and killed - I write such charming blogs, don't I? - I would like to announce formally to those who may still be wondering, no, I am not missing, or dead, despite what you may have heard between six and eight o clock on Friday evening.
I am aware that a lot of bad things have happened in the area recently, and that I am fairly small and pathetic, even for a girl, so would hardly be impervious to attack. I am also grateful that I have friends and a boyfriend who would notice and act quickly if I were to genuinely be missing, and I appreciate that this could mean the difference between my life and my death.
But it does amuse the hell out of me that I was reported missing to the police, the hospital, and even my parents, apparently before it occurred to anyone that PERHAPS I WAS IN A PUB.
To the people involved: once again, I understand your concern, I am grateful, yes I should be more militant about charging my phone. But from my point of view; it is pretty funny.
It's an interesting evening when you get home from work and your housemate says "Oh, it's you!"
"Well, yes... I do live here."
"Everyone's looking for you. You might want to call them."
"Everyone like who?"
"Catherine and Dave."
"And your parents."
"And the police... and the hospital."
"Oh, for fuck's sake... not again."
To be fair... last time I was actually working late.
Anyway. I really need to go to bed. Hopefully you have been suitably entertained by my rantings about offices, weird noises, hypothetical break-ins, and everyone thinking I was dead, again.
If not, balls to you. I'm going to bed anyway.